The Good Life

Hi there, it's been awhile!  I wanted to give a little life update, post foster mama journey.  My husband and I got married in May 2017, and after a year in the home we lived in after we got married (and where I lived for 32 years!!), we decided to move to the lake.  Lake living has been such a blessing (although, as a self proclaimed "foodie", I really miss all of the food options in the suburbs).  In fact, just this morning, our dog Rupert and I went out on the pontoon for an early morning ride - just the two of us.  The water has a way of calming the mind and connecting to God like nothing else.  We have hosted many friends, family, and co-workers.  Yummy food, warm sunshine, boat rides, and tube rides.  The good life.  

The good life, yet sometimes I feel that something is missing.  I sometimes find myself missing having a kiddo in our home.  I am still in contact with "the boy", who has been adopted by a wonderful family in another state.  I am so grateful that his family encourages continued contact between us! He is now 11 years old, but looks like a hulking teenager!  He remains the sweet boy I remember - smart, funny, and oh-so-handsome.  He loves the Lord, and in the end, that is all that matters.  

While we do not have a child in our home full time, I have begun hosting baking classes and camps for young children in my home.  I love that our home is filled once again with giggles, sticky fingers, and learning together.  I have also discovered a love of photography, and especially enjoy capturing families and little ones.  28 years of helping kiddos with communication needs in the books, as well.  I continue to seek a life of less of me, and more of Him.  The good life, indeed.  

 

Every End is a New Beginning

Three years ago today, I got the call from Lifeline that a 13 month old little boy needed a safe place for a little while.  I said "yes" to that precious boy.  I had no idea that day how one little boy would forever change my life.  

Three years.  156 weeks.  1,095 days.  Countless kisses.  Countless struggles.  Countless celebrations.  Countless "I love you"s.  Countless prayers.  Countless failures.  Countless successes.  You really can't measure this LOVE - my love for this boy cannot be measured.  

I have dreaded this post.  I feel like I will disappoint many of you.  I sometimes doubt myself.  I wonder how it will affect my boy in the future.  However, I know with 100% certainty that this decision is based on God's will and wrapped in His grace. 

I will never be the boy's forever Mommy.  I was never meant to be his forever Mommy.  

There.  I said it.  

After much prayer, my sweet boy will be moving to a new foster home soon.  The Lord has utterly amazed me in how He has cared for both me and my boy during this time of transition.  I prayed fervently for a loving, fun, Christian foster home for him, and the Lord provided!!  When I say "it's a miracle", believe me, I mean it.  With Lifeline foster families being in transition to being licensed by DHR, the likelihood of him going to a Christian home with both a Mom and a Dad was very, very slim.  BUT GOD.  

Once I get married this Spring, my fiance and I have decided not to continue fostering. I know that I know that I know that the Lord called me to fostering, and that fostering was part of my purpose.  I have had to grieve what often feels like "losing my purpose".   But the Lord cemented in my spirit that fostering was my purpose for a season.  He has yet another purpose for me, that He has been preparing me for all along.  And honestly, I AM SUPER STOKED about what He has for me next!!  Without kids, my fiance and I will be ready and able to go wherever He leads us in ministry.  That is extremely exciting to me.  

I know many of you will have questions.  I welcome your questions.  Feel free to send me a PM, and ask away.  The boy and I covet your prayers during this transition and following this transition. Please pray for the boy, this precious couple who has said "yes" to him for the next season, his birth family, and for  me and my fiance as we navigate life without him being a part of our everyday life.  

"For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." Isaiah 43:19

faint. not.

confession: i am weary. there. i said it.

weary defined - having one's patience, tolerance, or pleasure exhausted. dang.

hi. my name is steph. and i feel weary. and lonely. and boring. and isolated. and maybe just a little angry. and sometimes a tiny bit jealous. i am a 41 year old woman who pitched a full-fledged hissy fit in her own home, just two weeks ago. 

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. 

you see, i am a single mama to children who are not my own. the words "less. of. me." seem to mock me. this is what i signed up for. this is what i said yes to. less of steph. but i didn't know about the endless nights at home all alone with my entirely-too-active toddler, i didn't know my friends would stop calling to go and do fun things, i didn't know i would not be able to participate in small groups at church because of the rules about babysitting foster children, i didn't know that i would be the last human alive to see the movie Frozen, i didn't know i would watch church online more than actually go to church due to nap time and bedtime, i didn't know that i would have to say no to out-of-state trips because bio mom says we cannot go, i didn't know that i would have to cancel much-needed grown-ups-only beach trips because there is no one to keep my child, i didn't know that i would feel trapped, i didn't know that i would want to give up, i didn't know i would have my pleasure exhausted. i didn't know.

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

i didn't know that my heart could hold as much love as it does for my children who are not my own, i didn't know that witnessing first crawls/first steps/first words could bring so much joy, i didn't know that hearing the words "love you" would make me bawl like a baby, i didn't know that loving broken bio mamas would be so rewarding, i didn't know that my parents would embrace this ministry as their own, i didn't know that my friends would bless me and my babies by providing endless diapers/clothes/toys/gift cards. i didn't know.

i know where the weariness comes from. just so you know, i have put on my high-heeled, pointy-toed shoes, and i am kicking the devil in his nether regions until he waves the white flag and hollers "OK STEPH, I GIVE UP!! I AM WEARY OF TRYING TO STEAL YOUR JOY!!" the Lord will restore my joy. i was made for this. i will once again be the steph i miss. and i must faint. not.

(photo credit: http://deesbbboutique.blogspot.com/2011/09/ruby-tuesday-scripture-freebie.html)

Dear Savannah,

Dear Savannah, 

my sweet Baby Girl.  one year ago today, i got the phone call i had been waiting a long time for.  Ms. Casey called and told me that she had a 4 month old little girl who needed a safe, loving home for a little while.  i took about half a second to pray, and i said yes!  i was crazy excited, and crazy nervous all at the same time!  a BABY!  i had never even thought about getting a baby, i was thinking about a kid over 3 years old who already knew how to potty and dress itself and follow directions.  :)  but when Ms. Casey said "baby", my heart skipped a beat.  a baby.  so i immediately called SuSu and told her "I'M GETTING A BABY IN FOUR HOURS, GET HERE QUICK!"  i rushed home, cleaned like crazy, and then you arrived.  you were fast asleep in your car seat, bald-headed and beautiful.  i didn't know in that moment how the Lord would use you to change my world - and the worlds of MANY - forever.  you, my baby girl, are a world changer.  

over the next seven months, you stole my heart.  sure, you screamed every time i put you in your car seat, and you continued to scream until you fell asleep; you woke me up most nights because you wanted another bottle, so i was often sleep deprived; you refused to cuddle with me, always hopping out of my lap a split-second after i placed you there.  :)  ohhhhhh, but we danced.  a duet, designed by the Master Choreographer - He knew that we would be perfect partners.  we are good together.  

Pastor Max prayed over both of us one night, and God gave him a word to share.  he said to me, "you may think 'oh, i'm here to "save" this baby girl'.  but the truth is, this baby girl has saved you."  truer words have never been spoken.  you restored the joy in my heart.  you confirmed that God designed me for this purpose.  you awakened a love so deep, i had forgotten that kind of love existed.  and you taught me that true living is living beyond myself.  less. of. me. 

BG, people wonder how i can love a child with all my heart - as if you were my very own - the way i love you....then let you go.  i tell them that i, mama steph, cannot.  i was not designed to.  i cried buckets of tears, and wailed and wallowed aplenty, utterly heartbroken when you left.  BUT. GOD.  but God, in all of His sweetness and faithfulness, He wrapped me up in His big Daddy arms and reminded me that He's got you.  before He ever spoke the words "let there be light", He knew your story.  and His word promises that your story has a happy ending, that it is full of hope and not harm.  amen.  BG, i have said this many times:  i'm positive that you are the most prayed-for baby that has ever lived!!  i mean, like, for real.  so i trust.  and hear me when i say that you, my precious one, are worth every tear shed and the immense pain my heart experienced.  you are worthy.  you are worthy.  you. are. worthy.  

so on this one year anniversary of your "birth" into my family, i celebrate you, my "first born".    i celebrate the beautiful, smart, inquisitive, always-dancing baby girl you are today.  and i celebrate the beautiful, smart, inquisitive, always-dancing big girl you will become.  i have no doubt, the Lord has ginormous plans for your life.  people are drawn to you like a magnet.  i've never seen anything like it.  the Lord will use that to His glory, no doubt.  may you always know that you are loved.  that you are precious.  that you are beautiful.  that you are worthy.  that you are His.  

i love you all the way up to Heaven's angels and back.  you will always be my baby girl.  
xxoo, mama steph

Waiting...

"waiting" defined:  to stay in place in expectation of, to remain stationary in readiness or expectation, to look forward expectantly, to be ready and available

(notice that the definition does not include "wallowing in despair, questioning, or feeling sorry for oneself")

there are at least 50 references to "wait" in the Bible.
 
"do you have a kid yet?" 
"so you're just waiting for the call?"  
"what's going on, why don't you have a kid yet?"  
"since it's taken this long to get a kid, do you think maybe you heard God wrong?"

i have been waiting for almost 8 weeks now for my first foster placement.   if i'm honest, there is a small part of me that wants to ask "really God?  you have me waiting on something - again?!"  i've done lots of waiting in my lifetime:  waiting for the first boy to ask me out, waiting for God to whisper His plans for my life, waiting for my heart to heal, waiting for my future husband to show up.  i guess He thinks i'm pretty good at it  :)  

and i AM pretty good at it.  but not because i'm "used to it", not because i've "been there, done that".  i am pretty good at it because i know that i serve a God who is faithful to complete the good work He has begun.  He is reminding me that when i have waited on Him in the past, He has always - ALWAYS - been faithful.  that first boy did ask me out, God did whisper His plans for my life, my heart did heal.  so i can be confident and trust that foster babies (and yes, a husband too!) will come.  and they will come at just the right time.  not when i want them to, but when God needs them to.  He is faithful.  every. single. time.  

i guess what i'm trying to communicate is that there's a RIGHT way to wait, and a WRONG way to wait.   and i'm here to tell ya, i have not always chosen the right way - not by a long shot!  in the past, i did plenty of wallowing, questioning, and feeling sorry for myself in my times of waiting.  but in the present, Jesus has opened my eyes to His truth in the waiting.  His Word says time and time again that when i rely on Him in the waiting, i am heard, i am blessed, i experience His goodness, i will not be ashamed, my strength will be renewed, i will receive the glorious things that God has prepared for me.  now that's some good stuff!  therefore, i will strive to rely on Him in the waiting, and not rely on my feelings.  i want to wait in the right way.  will i always succeed?  probably not.  but all i have to do is open the Bible to be reminded of the right way and to walk in it.  

It is not yet time for the message to come true,
       but that time is coming soon;
       the message will come true.
    It may seem like a long time,
       but be patient and wait for it,
    because it will surely come;
       it will not be delayed.

Habakkuk 2:3

With Honor

ohhhhhhh my!  so it's been two months since i've blogged last.  oopsies!  honestly, there hasn't been anything to blog about.  but in about a month, i feel quite certain that there will be LOTS to blog about!!  yep - i'll have a kiddo or two within the month, if all goes as planned.  i have my final home visit on the 13th, and i've got most of my other little ducks in a row.  i have had so much fun putting "the kid room" together.  i must go by and peek in the room 100 times a day.  i imagine the little bodies that will sleep in the beds.  i imagine their hurt.  their brokenness.  their sadness.  their anger.  their shame.  and then i imagine the love of Jesus washing all of that away.  bringing beauty from the ashes.  ahhhhh, what a gift to be able to be a part of God's big plan in this way. 

all morning long, the Lord has been reminding me of all the a-ma-zing people He has placed in my path to bring me to where i am today.  i mean, all. morning. long.  i have been brought to tears thinking about these people - the people who believed in me, who saw something in me that i didn't see.  i believe that the Lord allowed each of these people to see me through His eyes.  and then i was able to see myself as He sees me.  so cool.  so today, in this little blog that few people read (ha!), i honor them.

my mama - my mama raised me all on her own, with zero financial help.  i have always admired her so much for that.  i never remember "wanting" for anything.  she always provided.  she was the picture of strength and courage.  and she has never told me this, but i'm 100% certain that she prayed me to where i am today in my relationship with the Lord.  thank you, ma, for modeling for me how to be a strong, secure, courageous woman of God.  today, i honor you. 

"the original six" + lynn - after graduating from college, i prayed earnestly for a church family.  a group of people who would bring me a casserole if i was sick (yes, i literally prayed for that!).  a group of people who loved me and supported me, faults and all.  well, the Lord answered that prayer and then some when he brought me my cherished girlfriends at First United Methodist of Birmingham!  these women are more like family than friends - they have seen the best of steph and the worst of steph.  they were my first taste of Jesus-luvin'-people in the church.  i cherish them so.  jill, anne, fran, katy, lindsay, and lynn - today, i honor you.

ms. caroleen - i will never forget browsing through the Church of the Highlands small groups directory in january 2007.  i had never stepped foot into the actual church at that point, but had just completed my first small group and was hungry for more.  i came across a beth moore study that caught my eye, and asked my friend about the leader of the group.  i said "who is caroleen hodges?  have you heard if she's a good leader?"  my friend's eyes got so wide i thought they'd pop out of her head, and she said "uhmmm, that would be Pastor Chris' MOM!  and YES, she is a good leader!"  well, i joined that group, and was forever changed.  ms. caroleen took a special interest in me, and would meet with me at panera bread to answer questions i had and to speak truth and life into my spirit.  i know that i know that i know that meeting her was God designed, and i would not be where i am today without her.  thank you, ms. caroleen, for following God's nudge to "take me on" all those years ago!  you mean so much to me, and i love you.  today, i honor you. 

alison and martine - yes, these two just go together!  both alison and martine taught me that i can:  1)  pray out loud in front of others (what?!) and 2) hear God's voice actually speaking to me (you've gotta be kidding me!!).  before meeting alison, i had never ever ever ever felt comfortable praying in front of other people.  ugh, it made my tummy ache to even think about it!  i had zero confidence.  zero.  zilch.  nada.  she was the one who helped me overcome that fear, and i am forever thankful!  she would just say "i need you to pray over me" - and she didn't mean:  go home and in your quiet time remember to pray for me.  no.  she meant:  let's go to your car right now and i want you to pray - out. loud.  - over me.  while i had major anxiety and fear about doing that, i knew that i couldn't wimp out and say "i'm sorry, you're not worthy of my angst-ridden out loud prayers."  so i did it.  and i did it often.  and i can now comfortably pray for others out loud  :)  alison, i am so thankful for your friendship and your influence.  today, i honor you.  martine taught me about what she called "listening prayer", where you ask God to speak to you and. He. does.  i always secretly envied those who said they heard God's voice - i thought His voice was reserved for the super-spiritual, in-every-bible-study-known-to-man crowd.  i never ever thought it was for me.  but it is for me.  and it's for you too.  it's for all of His children.  martine, i am so grateful for this powerful truth you taught me.  i love you and i miss you!  today, i honor you. 

katy, lucy, cindy - each of these amazing women of God saw me as a leader in the church.  something i never thought would apply to me.  i mean, i couldn't pray out loud, remember?!  but each of these women spoke words of life into me, encouraged me, saw greatness in me, saw Jesus in me.  because of these ladies, i have the honor and privilege of serving in leadership at Church of the Highlands.  they have taught me that the best leaders are servants.  ladies, i love your servant hearts and i treasure your friendships.  thank you for believing in me.  today, i honor you. 

these are by all means not all the people who have influenced my life - there are countless others.  to anyone who has ever loved me, encouraged me, believed in me - i honor you too.  i love the way the Lord weaves us all together, and He does it for His. purpose.  when i look back, i see that He completely ordered my steps to come to the place He has me right now.  foster mama.  mama to the mamaless.  loving like Jesus.  emptying of steph.  filling up with Jesus.  Jesus, without You, i am nothing.  You are my everything.  You order my steps.  i am forever grateful.  Jesus, today, i honor you. 

"Happy Mother's Day!"

Tomorrow night, I'll have foster mama training class #3 of 9.  Yesterday, I walked with my new friend Kristin in a 5K to raise awareness for foster care.  Tuesday, my team at school is hosting a "foster kid shower" for me at school.  Today is Mother's Day.  I received "Happy Mother's Day!" texts from friends and family, and several enthusiastic "Happy Mother's Day!" from friends at church.  As I reflect on what has happened since that day in October 2011 when the Lord whispered His Heart's desires to me, I have one thought.  Only God.  Only God could write this story - a story about a "100% Jesus Girl", whose only desire is to live fully in His will - even though she sometimes feels ill equipped, alone, and scared to death.  Yet, she is willing to step out in faith, and be obedient to His calling - fully knowing that He will fully equip her (Hebrews 13:21), always be by her side (Psalm 139:7-10), and abolish all of her fear (2 Timothy 1:7).  Only God, indeed. 

The Word says that every day of my life was ordained before I was even born (Psalm 139:16).  That means that He already knows the exact kids I will have in my home.  On this Mother's Day, will you join me in praying for those kids and their birth moms?  I fully believe that my ministry in foster care is one thing, and one thing only - to be the love of Jesus for the families that the Lord has already chosen to be a part of my life through foster care.  Will you begin to pray now that their hearts will be open to hear The Good News?  And that I will, at all times, be a vessel that the Lord can use (2 Timothy 2:20-21)?

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms reading these words!  Your children arise, and call you blessed (Proverbs 31:28)!  Walk out your motherhood each day fully knowing and believing that the God Who created you has fully equipped you, will always be by your side, and abolishes all of your fears.  AMEN!  xxoo