faint. not.

confession: i am weary. there. i said it.

weary defined - having one's patience, tolerance, or pleasure exhausted. dang.

hi. my name is steph. and i feel weary. and lonely. and boring. and isolated. and maybe just a little angry. and sometimes a tiny bit jealous. i am a 41 year old woman who pitched a full-fledged hissy fit in her own home, just two weeks ago. 

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. 

you see, i am a single mama to children who are not my own. the words "less. of. me." seem to mock me. this is what i signed up for. this is what i said yes to. less of steph. but i didn't know about the endless nights at home all alone with my entirely-too-active toddler, i didn't know my friends would stop calling to go and do fun things, i didn't know i would not be able to participate in small groups at church because of the rules about babysitting foster children, i didn't know that i would be the last human alive to see the movie Frozen, i didn't know i would watch church online more than actually go to church due to nap time and bedtime, i didn't know that i would have to say no to out-of-state trips because bio mom says we cannot go, i didn't know that i would have to cancel much-needed grown-ups-only beach trips because there is no one to keep my child, i didn't know that i would feel trapped, i didn't know that i would want to give up, i didn't know i would have my pleasure exhausted. i didn't know.

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

i didn't know that my heart could hold as much love as it does for my children who are not my own, i didn't know that witnessing first crawls/first steps/first words could bring so much joy, i didn't know that hearing the words "love you" would make me bawl like a baby, i didn't know that loving broken bio mamas would be so rewarding, i didn't know that my parents would embrace this ministry as their own, i didn't know that my friends would bless me and my babies by providing endless diapers/clothes/toys/gift cards. i didn't know.

i know where the weariness comes from. just so you know, i have put on my high-heeled, pointy-toed shoes, and i am kicking the devil in his nether regions until he waves the white flag and hollers "OK STEPH, I GIVE UP!! I AM WEARY OF TRYING TO STEAL YOUR JOY!!" the Lord will restore my joy. i was made for this. i will once again be the steph i miss. and i must faint. not.

(photo credit: http://deesbbboutique.blogspot.com/2011/09/ruby-tuesday-scripture-freebie.html)